Where do you see yourself in five years?

Oh, living the d-r-e-a-m: Being a stay-at-home mother of two kids under 5 in a new state, quarantined due to a global pandemic.

Well, not exactly — not even close — to my wildest dreams.

This is my 5 years in the future. Five years ago today, I watched as a huge North American moving truck hauled most of our stuff from southern California to the Pacific Northwest. I seem to celebrate — or maybe even mourn — that day.

Back then, this photo represented a brand-new start. I was kicking up my heels, though I was nervous AF. I’d never really lived anywhere else. And here I was. Moving with my husband to a new state. Our dream city.

It was our great adventure. So full of promise, at least in my own mind it was. After all, what could be worse than how I felt then?

In some ways, it was nice to escape (fre)enemies. I could walk freely around my new city and not run into someone I wanted to avoid.

It started off great. I was working remote and applying for jobs. We were settling into our new apartment. I got my foodhandler’s permit and started working in the kitchen of our friends’ chocolate shop. Eventually I left there to work a full-time temporary job at Amazon. Then I left that job to return to my former company in a full-time permanent role.

Everything was great, until eventually it wasn’t. And I’ve been digging a hole ever since.

Yes, there have been ups and downs. But the downs feel like a speeding elevator going from 100 to the basement at light speed.

So, I’m going to make some predictions for the next 5 years. Maybe these are more of my wildest dreams, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

• Moved out of Seattle and continuing our adventure: I’m not exactly sure where we will end up. Part of my fantasy would be return to my hometown — San Diego, CA. Maybe it will be time to come home. I’m not saying in 5 years, but hope the return will happen within 5 years.
• Working from home or working an absolutely kick-ass office within a decent commute from home: This is by far my absolute DREAM — no matter where I’m from. It’s been hard not working for as long as I have. I’ve always seen myself as a worker bee. Constantly keeping busy, learning new things along the way, and working my way up — slowly yet surely. Not having a job title (other than “Mom”) has been crushing. I don’t think I’ve ever disliked myself this much. Ever.
• Attending my kids’ special events: My kids will be 9 and 7. Wow, I can’t even imagine what that will be like. It sounds kind of scary. When I was those ages, I was at peak naughtiness. I was a terrible kid. I hope they don’t follow in Mama’s footsteps.
• Watching my last little go to kindergarten: Again, these are my wildest/alternate universe fantasies. I was already “too old” to have my first two kids. My husband and I each have 2 siblings, so I’d love for my kids to have the same. My kids have one set of first cousins. That’s it. I’d love for them to have more, but, unfortunately, I’m the end of the road. Do I wish for a boy or a girl? I’m not sure. I guess I would lean toward girl, but either one would be a tiebreaker that I’d already have prior experience in raising.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but in my 5-year-plan, I’m hoping it will supersede the past 5 years. I’m in a new decade of my life. I hope with it brings some sunshine to form a rainbow.